Adele is the Soundtrack of My Relationships

Over the course of my life, there have been few artists who have compelled me to buy every album they’ve released and have me listen to it in its entirety. I usually dabble in singles or enjoy a track I happened to catch on the radio or Shazzam’ed from a coffee shop. For every one song I like, there will be many more that would get the skip from me.

Enter Adele.

For the past seven years, she has been the only one who can string me along from beginning to end and back to the beginning on a never-ending loop. When I first saw the music video for “

Chasing Pavements

” off her debut album

19

, I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen. It was so haunting and her voice was absolute heaven. I couldn’t tire of it. That album saw me through my first breakup back in 2008. I spent so many evenings singing to those songs after lighting candles and settling into a hot bath, wondering when my heart would stop hurting and what I was headed towards next. Those moments in that candlelit bathroom were my tiny escapes, tears and all, and I found Adele to be the perfect soundtrack to that phase in my life.

With “

First Love

,” I thought of him and tried hard to let the relationship float away, but my hope and guilt refused to leave me. I was still so tied to “us.” After wanting to break things off so many times out of the fear that “all things would eventually end anyway,” I’d convinced him that it would not work out between us. And still, I was devastated.

Forgive me first love, but I'm tired

I need to get away to feel again

Try to understand why, don't get so close to change my mind

Please wipe that look out of your eyes, it's bribing me to doubt myself

Simply, it's tiring

“

Best for Last

” made me wish that he’d remember what we shared instead of settling into the arms of a new girl, the one he would eventually marry. I was unapologetic when I sang “

Melt My Heart to Stone

,” a song about creating a relationship in your head, stringing bits of promises and delusions to form something that means very little to the other person. Isn’t it so easy to make yourself see something that isn’t there when you want so badly for it to be real? Sometimes you need to float on that cloud for a bit until you're ready for it to gently bring you back to earth so you can stand on your own.

I hear your words you made up

I say your name like there should be an us

I best tidy up my head I'm the only one, in love

I'm the only one in love

By the time I met A., at the tail end of 2009, I was able to listen to “

Make You Feel My Love

” and not be pained by it. Without realizing it, I had finally started to move on. Hope for something nearly two years passed wasn’t necessary anymore.

Her second album,

21

, was released in 2011 and already my second relationship was rocky. We’d kiss and makeup more times than I could count and I found myself swirling deeper and deeper into this confusing mess in my head. One moment we were head-over-heels in passion and adventure and the next we couldn’t stand each other. I’d sing “

One and Only

” to him, envisioning us dancing to it on our wedding day some autumn in the distant future. When he’d ignore my calls after a fight, my mood would drift from a saddened “

Don’t You Remember

” to a defiant “

Take It All

.”

Didn't I give it all?

Tried my best

Gave you everything I had, everything and no less

Didn't I do it right? Did I let you down?

Maybe you got too used to having me 'round

Still how can you walk away

From all my tears

It's gonna be an empty road without me right here

But go on and take it, take it all with you

Don't look back at this crumbling fool

Just take it all with my love, take it all with my love

And then there was my song “

Set Fire to the Rain

,” which spoke to this growing fury inside me, the one that I tried so hard to contain until it just needed to be released. I found that lashing out the chorus had a sort of soothing effect on me…I just wanted to yell it out…

I set fire to the rain

And I threw us into the flames

Where I felt something die, 'cause I knew that

That was the last time, the last time

But it wasn’t the last time. It wasn’t going to be the last time for four more years. Something kept us together, trying over and over. Stubbornness, I used to say, but it had to have been deeper than that. We were invested in one another, we cared. The love was genuinely there, but as he’s said, “Sometimes love isn’t enough.”

And in the spring of 2015, A. stormed away.

Today, Adele released the first single and music video off her upcoming album,

25

. After being away for so long, it’s fitting that this first track is titled “

Hello

.”

In a post about her new album

, which will be released November 20, Adele explained that her latest creation is a rebirth of sorts. So many have commented on her amazing ability to wrap up a broken heart and release that pain through her vocals, but what would happen if she finally found and maintained her happiness? It seems she might have (the soulful singer gave birth to son Angelo in 2012 with her longtime boyfriend Simon Konecki), but perhaps “this is everything we need” - a beautiful reminder that we need to be gentle with ourselves regardless of who enters or leaves our lives.

“My last record was a break-up record and if I had to label this one I would call it a make-up record,” Adele wrote. “I’m making up with myself. Making up for lost time. Making up for everything I ever did and never did. But I haven’t got time to hold on to the crumbs of my past like I used to. What’s done is done.

“I made the decision to go into becoming who I’m going to be forever without a removal van full of my old junk. I miss everything about my past, the good and the bad, but only because it won’t come back,” she continued. “

25

is about getting to know who I’ve become without realising. And I’m sorry it took so long, but you know, life happened.”

In my attempts to please and make so much work, I tore myself apart and absorbed too much blame. I’m still learning how to piece things all together. I’m still in pain, I’m still reeling, but much less than months ago. Perhaps it’s because that “last time” still wasn’t the end of our chapter and after a summer of perhaps giving this more than it deserved, I’m finally closer to taking the training wheels off of this…break up. I've been here before, I know it'll get better eventually. Right now though, it still hurts too much to remember.

One Year Later...

I’ve spent the last year wanting to blog again (as I always say whenever a chunk of time quietly passes by around here), but, you know, life…

Whenever someone mentioned my blog or introduced me to their friend as a writer/blogger, I’d sheepishly mumble something about how I used to blog, how I used to write all the time, how I missed it, or how I just haven’t found time to get back into it. Weeks turned into months and months into a whole year and all the while my mind kept filling up with writing topics only to be emptied just as quickly by the mere thought of crafting a coherent sentence. After spending all day at the computer creating stories for other people, the last thing I wanted to do was write down my own. Still, I constantly wondered how the blogger community was doing these days. What happened to all those lives I used to follow? Was anybody even blogging anymore?

Last night I happened to pop on over to see if I had made the one year mark yet. I remembered my last post,

a video interview for Breast Cancer Awareness Month

, was published around the end of October and sure enough today was that day. And so I figured exactly one year later is as good a time as any to revive this old space. I’ve just published

a new essay on my experience with breast cancer

so at least I’d have that to share and slowly ease into this routine I once loved so much, I told myself.

But just like in 2008, when I first revived the blog because my life was a twisted mess and I had so much to say, I’d been craving this space for much of the same reasons. I initially thought I could saunter on in, dust the desk off, and whip up a few paragraphs about returning to the blogosphere (by the way, please tell me people don’t use that term anymore). Silly me. I should have known it wouldn’t come with its own emotional churning.

Dry As Toast was born out of my wish to write when no magazines were hiring me after I’d graduated journalism school in 2007. I told no one about it (aside from my sister) because it still seemed silly to keep an online journal as an adult. I tried to keep it going under wraps, but when there’s no community or feedback surrounding your words, the enthusiasm can die out fairly quickly. And so mine did.

A year later

, I found myself jumping right in, writing every single day, telling my friends about it, and eventually settling into a place that served as my virtual therapy. I poured so much of myself into this space - good, bad, confusing, inspiring, and devastating - that I’m sure you can imagine what it feels like to be back. It’s like opening an old diary and realizing that the feelings you had a decade ago have not changed much at all. Even worse is seeing how happy and hopeful the last several blog posts were and how different this year has felt.

In the past, reviving this blog has symbolized the beginning of a new chapter, and right now I don’t know that I even want to get over this mountain just yet. Even writing this is making my heart race because I know what will come if I start sifting through the things on my mind. I almost have to be in here with blinders on because I know that if I start digging, reading, remembering, longing, it will cause this knot in my throat to grow thicker.

So for now, I’ll just say…hello and that I missed this.

Image:

vivala.com

On Camera: My Breast Cancer Story for BET.com

Earlier this month, my editor at BET.com asked if I'd be interested in talking about my breast cancer story for the site and on camera. I jumped at the opportunity to experience something new, but then as the date approached I grew nervous. My story isn't that exciting, I thought. What if I'm not that interesting to listen to and I come off totally lame? Still, I went for it because I wasn't going to let fear keep me from trying. If they wanted my story then all I could do was just give them me. At the very least I could be good at that, right?

My breast cancer story doesn't contain much frills. It's not some epic drama about a girl who was diagnosed at a late stage, sold all her worldly possessions, and became one with the universe. It's a bit more...I don't even know what word would describe it. Normal? Everyday? Practical? I was thrown this wild card against my will and what was I going to do? Stop living over it? No, thanks. I still have a few things on my to do list.

So even though I don't think my story is at all remarkable (

1 in 8 U.S. women

will develop invasive breast cancer in her lifetime), I wanted to share it anyway and show how I decided to face this. Simply put, this is me and what you see is what you get.

To listen to me recount my story, click

here

.

The Book of Life

This weekend, A. and I went to see

The Book of Life

, a stunning animated film produced by Guillermo del Toro, who also gave us the gift that was

Pan's Labyrinth

. Have you heard of it? As soon as we saw the trailer during our last visit to the movies, we instantly knew we just had to watch.

The story takes place in Mexico, the center of the world, as Manolo and his best friend Joaquin vie for their childhood friend Maria's affections. In addition, both Manolo and Joaquin must contend with living under their family's shadows, discovering what they truly want, and going through extreme means to claim what's truly their heart. Spanning across three worlds between the living and the dead,

The Book of Life

is just a colorful feast for the eyes.

The visuals are just so so gorgeous, I couldn't get enough of this style. I was also thrilled to see a film that celebrates Mexican culture and history on the big screen and hope it sparks a bit of curiosity in its viewers. It easily interwove historic content with more modern bits of pop culture and gave some popular songs a little Latin flavor. Now I'm here thinking, "Hmmm, Day of the Dead party anyone?"

{He Says/She Says} When Love Grows Up

Since moving in with A. and spending so much more time with one another, there have been all these new facets that I'm discovering. In the beginning I was worried that we'd become boring roommates and lose the sexiness, but over the last weeks I'm realizing that this feels…different. At some point in all this, the relationship matured. When I look at A., yeah, I see his flaws as I'm sure he notices mine, but it doesn't matter so much because the overarching thought that goes beyond all our disagreements and misunderstandings is this: we're a team and we make it work. I was never really told that this is what long-term love evolves into, but I can see how you could ride this for 45 years like A.'s parents have done.

{He says}

Most people go looking for that crazy, whirlwind, overwhelming love that takes you over and carries you to do silly things you'd never imagine. That's not how it happened with me and you. Our relationship was very deliberately fostered. We may have had our moments of temporary insanity, but they were less about getting carried away with each other and more about doing brash things for fun. We were rarely mistaken about who the other was and we refused to look past the flaws we saw in the other. Instead, we acknowledged our imperfections and sought to improve as individuals. It was a long and grueling process, but what we have as a result, I feel, is so much stronger than what people normally aim for.

I imagine someone visualizing what they'd like out of a partner and then rifling through a stable of candidates until they find someone who is close enough. If I had used this method, I would have never stopped at you. And you know that. But what we have, as a result, is stronger than what any momentary fling might seek to replace. You and I are both deep and complicated people, so it's taken years for us to get to know each other. We certainly know and appreciate each other more than we can see in other relationships.

For all the times I refused to let you run away. For all the times we changed to make the other person happy instead of clinging to our stubborn ideals. We're solid.

As long as we keep working.

{She says}

I remember you once told me that you could have ended up just as happy if you had met someone else that night. I thought that was such a unromantic thing to say then, but years later I sometimes look at you and think the same thing. I could very well spend my life searching for more, for better, for different. I could hold out for other options, expecting finer picks from another draw. But I don't want to.

There's this deep satisfaction that comes from working through life's difficulties with someone. He might not be perfect, but he's willing to grow with you. It's not settling either, it's accepting that this person you've come to care so much for is your partner in crime and at the end of each day, he'll be there to talk about his dreams and support you through yours. He's there to navigate your mood swings, complete your thoughts, and is unrelenting when it comes to your self-improvement. He admires you as you are and envisions the person you could be. You might not always adore each other and some nights you'd rather sleep on the couch than hear this person breathing next to you, but you know you have to make it work. After all we've put into this relationship, there's just no throwing in the towel.

Yes, the girly, lustful, infatuated side still exists and sometimes it's all I can do to not drown you with affection, but this other side feels more serious, practical. It's me looking at you and resolving to help you learn, grow, and be happy. It's me looking at you and thinking, Yeah, we're in this.