I just wanted to say thanks so much for all the kind words of support I've received via comments, emails, and messages. It's so sweet to know that there are people who care, from those who've known me my entire life and people whom I've yet to meet in person. You're all awesome.
It's weird, but in talking with friends over the last couple days and being asked what it is that's making me feel this way, I've realized that I don't even know anymore. Insecurities and resentments perhaps? (Though the girls seem to think women are just hard-wired for the dramatics.) Lord knows. Over the last couple of years things seem to have improved so much on the outside, but inside I had just set things on simmer, sometimes acting as if everything was okay so I wouldn't have to deal with stuff. Fake it 'til you make it so to speak. So obviously when a little spark sends everything to a boil, I can't suppress these feelings anymore. I think I justified those moments with the fact that hey, at least the scales are tipped in the positive direction more often than not these days.
So here I am like I've been countless times before, contemplating and acting upon next steps. To those who've stood where I do, who have been successful, and who are still struggling through the mist, I admire you for not giving in. A good friend of mine shared a quote with me yesterday while we lunched under the trees of Bryant Park that I hope speaks to you as it did to me:
"You could not step twice into the same river; for other waters are ever flowing on to you." (Heraclitus)
Whenever you feel like you're back in the same spot you were before, look around you. While you were busy climbing, stumbling, and getting back up, everything was changing along with you. That spot you now find yourself in has been affected by the passage of time, the people who've entered or left your life, and by the bounty of experiences you've gathered in your arms along the way. Hopefully these changes translate into strength to push just a little further each time around.
Image: cinemagraphs.com