Depression is a beast that refuses to die long after you've killed it. Not only does it call you over from time to time offering its sick temptations, but it also lives on the ripples you both caused when you traveled through those murky waters together.When you're depressed you may understand the science behind it, but none of it matters because you cannot grasp why and how you fell into that ditch. In your mind, you're just broken machinery. I don't know what's worse: knowing something isn't right inside without knowing how to get better or being completely off your rocker yet blissfully ignorant. I think being aware - and thus completely analytical - of the situation only perpetuated my condition. Yes, I knew to avoid certain settings, to prepare for random attacks and to keep pills out of the house because I was too afraid of trusting myself. I knew I was too smart to ever attempt such a thing, but then if I was so smart, why couldn't I overcome this? To me, one was just a hop, skip and a jump out of a window from the other.
People offer words of advice, pity, consolation and endless time, but unless they've been there themselves, how could they possibly understand what you're going through? How can they see you go from happy to sobbing mess in a matter of minutes and understand that's how triggers work - without warning or reason? You assume no one does so you decide to fight your battle alone. Plus, you feel like you're always in someone's way, imposing somehow. Every other sentence is followed by an apology. "I'm sorry I called." "I'm sorry, I just need to go home." "I'm sorry I can't celebrate with you." "I'm sorry I feel this way."
It sucks to want to be happy for someone but be incapable of showing any ounce of it. You try faking it, but ultimately the bitterness comes along much more easily. "Stop being a hater," they say. So you back off. Why cloud up their day with your dreary existence? And why torment yourself with their cruel sunshine when you're not willing or ready to bask in it?
Some friends will continue to seek you out while others simply stop trying and wondering why you can't just "snap out of it." You can't force anyone to stick around. All you can do is hope that those who supported you through the bad are still with you when you make it out on the other end - and forgive you for the hell you just put them through. Because you never do stop feeling sorry.
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