Two Big and Simple Questions

Sometimes over the course of years and years of sameness, you might lose track of where the hell you're going. The days all blend together into a string of "I work today" and "I don't work today." Mondays are greeted with a groan and we start the race to Friday as soon as the week begins. What the hell are we doing with all those blurred days in between?

A couple weeks ago two different friends asked me 1) what is that one thing that you'd rather die than never do again and 2) when you're by yourself, at home, in the quiet, who are you really?

I've been keeping myself busy, surrounded by friends, and taking on fun hobbies in the process. I took swimming lessons through the summer months and in September, started learning to the play the guitar and how to plié in ballet class. I'm loving my classes and seeing the progress I've made week after week, but I also know these are forms of distraction. And that's okay. I understand that I need that right now and hopefully eventually an evening at home won't be met with loneliness as I look around my new apartment and think, "This place is too big and too empty just for me..."

But this past Friday, I hit pause on my YouTube binge-watching, grabbed a sheet of paper and some colorful markers, and asked myself those questions again. When I was asked the first one, my answer came immediately.

"Write," I told my friend. "I really think that's it for me and can't imagine never being able to write again. That's how I express myself above anything else."

As for the second question, here's the very short list that I came up with:

1.

Travel the world.

2.

Share (my) stories. [blog/memoir/articles]

3.

Inspire and delight youth. [art/Porcupine Hugs/books]

4.

Connect with others. [friendships/volunteering]

And that's it. I couldn't think of anything else that truly defined me and would fulfill me without being dependent on somebody else. I've even dreamt of a way tie all four points together, but that's for me to mull over for a bit longer.

Remember, this isn't a to do or a bucket list, but rather the basic essential things that make your life meaningful. The goal is to then have your time, energy, and the jobs and activities you take on feed into those things. Think of it as a compass of sorts; judge your actions and decisions based on whether or not it nurtures one of the points on this list. If it doesn't, that's still okay. No guilt-tripping. I think having a little guide to where you'd like to be heading is a good reminder to have, especially when you feel as if you're just grabbing at straws sometimes. At the very least it's starting to help me think a little deeper about my current ambitions and job pursuits.

What would your short list look like? 

Gossip Girl

Lately I've been thinking a lot about gossip: how quickly you can get wrapped up in it, what it creates in people and how it makes me feel when I participate in it. It's so easy to get caught up in the latest chisme when there are magazines, websites and Page Six's dedicated to celeb lives, who's hooking up, who's separating, cheating, adopting, etc. Why should anything beyond their work matter to us?

Then there's the role it takes in our personal lives. Instead of confronting issues head-on and leaving it at that, we talk behind each other's backs fueling rumors and creating new ones as we go. And even if we don't create or spread the gossip ourselves, the simple act of listening is bad enough.

I can admit that I'm one of these people. Girl talks become gossip fests in which we analyze and speculate about everyone else's lives and as much fun as it is to get sucked into it, in the end it just feels...gross, wrong, like I should know and be better than that. And so it goes until the next time someone goes, "Yooo, guess what I just heard?!"

This needs to stop, for me anyway. As hard as it may be, I don't want to continue being a cog in any rumor mill. If someone comes to me with the latest news on so-and-so, I'm turning the other way. Now I'm not referring to well-intentioned updates about someone I haven't talked to in a while. I mean the snide remarks and malicious comments you probably wouldn't want that person to ever hear. If I wanted to know that person's story, I'd just give him/her a call. If he/she doesn't give up the info then maybe it's because he/she doesn't want me to know and that is just fiiiiine by me.

Surely we have enough going on in our own lives that we don't need to go meddling in things we've no business meddling in. But if you're that starved for entertainment, I hear those celebs put out movies every once in a while.

Image: thefreshxpress.com

Struggling to Unplug

Question: What happens when you take this NYC chick and plop her right in the middle of paradise?

Answer: She runs around the beach with her cell phone searching for a hint of WiFi and stressing over her laptop's battery life.

When I nearly lost it in St. Lucia struggling to upload a vlog instead of heading to the beach, I knew it was time to let the electronics go. It's crazy how easily these things can take a hold of you. And it quickly spirals into an addiction; this constant need to be "connected," to have something on hand to occupy the mind at all times, a fear of boredom. I have a hard time disconnecting and just walking away. Lately, my priorities have become so skewed that choosing between a sunset over the Caribbean or checking my Gmail is now a no-brainer. Like Pavlov's bell, Gchat's *ding* causes an instant pleasant feeling.

My struggle to Let Go and Experience doesn't end there. When I'm away, it takes me days to renounce my NYC "Go, go, go!" mentality and accept relaxation as an alternate state of being. Unfortunately, as soon as I land back home, the cell phone's out, the hyperventilation begins and I'm speed-walking back into the life I'd temporarily left behind. You can take the girl out of the city, but the city never truly leaves her. Perhaps someday I'll learn that the rat race is only leading me straight into an early grave.

Do you have a hard time unplugging and relaxing during your vacays?

Don't Live Like You're Dying

Live like you have something to live for.


Sometimes I feel like I'm shyly shuffling through this existence instead of busting moves; at a constant conflict between believing I can do something great in my lifetime and doubting my ability to create any significant change. So the following list is not just for you, but for me too. It's to remind me that life shouldn't be lived in fear, but rather with intention.

1. Do you truly love what you do? (I do.) If not, why are you spending a single second cultivating your unhappiness? Find your passion, fiercely believe in it and do it. Ditch the self-doubt.

2. Aim to leave the world better than how you entered it. If you could incite action, what would you have us do? Whatever it is, remember it starts with you.

3. Find inspiration around you. Devour life. Celebrate that you've made it this far. Remember that "life is f-ing beautiful" with all its mind-boggling complexities.

4. Would you rather tell or be told? We only have but so much time so put it to good use. Step away from the computer, go outside and experience the world firsthand.

5. Learn something new if not everyday, then every week. See things from a different perspective. Avoid monotony. Allergies aside, it won't kill you to try something new on the menu.

6. Make no room for toxicity. Be it a substance, person, place or idea, decide you deserve better than that and fight hard to move on. Be unbelievably wonderful to yourself.

7. Recognize your limits, but don't let them define you. Need help? Then ask for it! Just remember to pay it forward by helping someone else rise along with you.

8. Laughing is just as important as the rest of your fitness regimen. Find the funny.

9. If someone breaks your heart, pick up the pieces and fall in love again and again. Be fearless. Stop beating around the bush, say what you feel and make sure you're heard.

10. "Nothing will work unless you do," says Maya Angelou. So what are you waiting for?

Image: flickr.com via (oh, hello friend) you are loved

Naked Bliss: Take 2

High school gym locker rooms are some kind of hell. So much so that I played a secret game by myself just to cope with the torture: Get Undressed and Dressed In Record Time Without Exposing Skin. I hated gym if only for the fact that after the fun was over, I'd be corralled into a room surrounded by pretty - and fully developed - girls strutting about in their underwear. They sure didn't look as mortified as I felt.

Although my body image improved a bit in the coming years, it took a nose dive after my breakup two years ago. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's turned inward when a relationship goes south. "Maybe if I were taller...Maybe if my hair were longer, straighter, my body curvier..." Even though I know that was never the case with him, my mind still went there. "Maybe if I were prettier, he wouldn't have let me go."

My how that mentality's changed. These days I'm so hyped after a workout that I can't wait to get back to the locker room, say, "Off with these clothes!" and jump in the shower. It's only been two weeks since I started exercising, but once I'm in there washing off I can't help but think, "DAMN! I look mad good!" (Hey, I'm allowed to be completely self-absorbed for a few minutes each day.) I'll admit that part of it is because I managed to catch another boyfriend without undergoing plastic surgery, but getting that adrenaline pumping gives off such feel-good vibes that how can you not feel like a rock star? So when I step back out into the hectic NYC streets, I could look like a hot mess, but in my mind I've got a soundtrack going and my hair is blowing in the wind. And yes, it looks mad good, too.