Because taking my breast cancer medication means I can't get pregnant for the next four years, I find myself thinking about children a lot. I wonder if I'll have a boy or a girl. I wonder what we'll end up naming them. Will I have one or try for two? Mostly I wonder if I'll have any issues trying to conceive at the age of 36.
When my oncologist said I could look into freezing my eggs to use after my treatment is complete, I knew that wasn't really an option for me. When you have student loans to pay off, medical bills stacking up, dreams and a savings account to fund, that leaves little money left for a gamble. It costs $10,000 to $15,000 to harvest and freeze a batch of eggs, $500 to keep storing them each year, and then another few thousand to undergo in vitro fertilization. Conception is not guaranteed. Adoption fees are also no small investment either so it brings up the question: how badly do I want a child?
It's a discussion that A. and I have had a few times. We both agree that we don't want to go broke in order to have a baby, but who knows how we'll feel years from now. If you ask any of the elders in my family, they'll say the same thing: your life isn't complete until you have a child. The mentality is frightening especially when you consider folks who've had kids when they could barely sustain their own lives or that welfare is their answer to my hesitance over the financial burden.
Whether it's money spent to conceive or money spent to raise a child, I don't want to go into debt for this, but I still dream of holding our child in my arms, teaching them all we know, and watching them grow and play in this world. Would I be okay if I discovered that I couldn't conceive? Probably. I'd be sad, but I also hope I could grow to accept that fact, consider alternatives that are within my means, and live on. A. keeps joking about the two of us becoming DINKs (dual income, no kids) to which I reply absolutely not. At least I'm not ready to throw in the towel before the races have even begun. We'll see how our story plays out down the line and hope that our toughest decision is simply agreeing on a baby name.
What about you? How hard would you try to have a child? Would you invest all you could into making your dream happen?
P.S. "Do you find you are not yet ready to obliterate any chance you have left to enjoy life to its fullest? Then try Not Having Kids!"
And have you met Theo and Beau? If not, here's their story (and how they're growing up so fast). Aren't they the cutest things ever?
Image: instagram.com