Two Big and Simple Questions

Sometimes over the course of years and years of sameness, you might lose track of where the hell you're going. The days all blend together into a string of "I work today" and "I don't work today." Mondays are greeted with a groan and we start the race to Friday as soon as the week begins. What the hell are we doing with all those blurred days in between?

A couple weeks ago two different friends asked me 1) what is that one thing that you'd rather die than never do again and 2) when you're by yourself, at home, in the quiet, who are you really?

I've been keeping myself busy, surrounded by friends, and taking on fun hobbies in the process. I took swimming lessons through the summer months and in September, started learning to the play the guitar and how to plié in ballet class. I'm loving my classes and seeing the progress I've made week after week, but I also know these are forms of distraction. And that's okay. I understand that I need that right now and hopefully eventually an evening at home won't be met with loneliness as I look around my new apartment and think, "This place is too big and too empty just for me..."

But this past Friday, I hit pause on my YouTube binge-watching, grabbed a sheet of paper and some colorful markers, and asked myself those questions again. When I was asked the first one, my answer came immediately.

"Write," I told my friend. "I really think that's it for me and can't imagine never being able to write again. That's how I express myself above anything else."

As for the second question, here's the very short list that I came up with:

1.

Travel the world.

2.

Share (my) stories. [blog/memoir/articles]

3.

Inspire and delight youth. [art/Porcupine Hugs/books]

4.

Connect with others. [friendships/volunteering]

And that's it. I couldn't think of anything else that truly defined me and would fulfill me without being dependent on somebody else. I've even dreamt of a way tie all four points together, but that's for me to mull over for a bit longer.

Remember, this isn't a to do or a bucket list, but rather the basic essential things that make your life meaningful. The goal is to then have your time, energy, and the jobs and activities you take on feed into those things. Think of it as a compass of sorts; judge your actions and decisions based on whether or not it nurtures one of the points on this list. If it doesn't, that's still okay. No guilt-tripping. I think having a little guide to where you'd like to be heading is a good reminder to have, especially when you feel as if you're just grabbing at straws sometimes. At the very least it's starting to help me think a little deeper about my current ambitions and job pursuits.

What would your short list look like? 

Wix Lounge: A Free Coworking Space

I've found a new place to get work done outside of the house and dare I say it, I like it more than my usual stomp,

The Bean

. I'd been to the

Wix Lounge

's former location back in 2011, but never made it to their new spot once they moved. The free coworking space is the perfect place to grab a seat and work alongside other freelancers when home gets too lonely. There's lots of room so you never feel crowded in, there are clean bathrooms, a kitchen area, free tea and coffee, and a chance to announce what you're working on to the group. Best of all, now I don't have to roam around frustrated in search of WiFi or buy something at a coffee shop to just to sit down and charge up for a few hours.

When I work from Wix, I even leave my stuff at my table and step out for a lunch break and don't have to lug all my things around. You don't even know how wonderful that is for my aching shoulders. Yes, it'd be so much easier to keep working from home, but sometimes a girl just needs to get out of the house and breathe different air. I also considered that with flu season coming around it'll expose me to way more germies, but I'll take the risk.

The space has enough buzz going on to serve as background noise without getting distracting and I like eavesdropping on conversations from small groups working on the Next Great Startup. I get the best of both worlds: the office life with "coworkers" but with the freedom to come and go as I please and no boss looking over my shoulder. Oh and the greatest thing about working from Wix Lounge? The

Brgr

a couple blocks away and the

Doughnut Plant

right across the street!

Wix Lounge is open Monday through Friday, 9am to 5pm. To learn more, visit

wix.com/lounge/new-york

.

Video Interview on Juggling Cancer, Life, and Growing a Creative Business

Earlier this summer, Vanessa Laven of MixedMartialArtsandCrafts.com and Survival Organs launched a video series in honor of her birthday and I helped her kicked things off! As a young cancer survivor herself, Laven wanted to interview other creatives about their personal journeys through "worst case scenarios" and how they juggled a small business with all the craziness of diagnosis, treatment, and recuperation. Watch my interview below to learn how I handled the rollercoaster of being diagnosed with breast cancer soon after creating Porcupine Hugs, how I struggled to reconcile my ambitions with my new limitations, and why I was too stubborn to let cancer change me.

Commitments Are Not My Strong Suit

It's a wonder that I've been able to maintain a relationship for 4+ years because it seems that I don't take too well to commitments. Among the new habits I've tried to take on this year alone and failed to permanently incorporate into my life are:

Yoga. It was beautiful while it lasted. For all of four weeks, A. and I would wake up at 6:30/7pm, bang out a workout and I'd make us breakfast while he got ready for work. It was a good way to start the day.

#dorkysdraws. In an attempt to get the old gears moving again, I took on the mission of drawing a doodle every day and sharing it on Instagram. Nothing too involved, just a little something to force me to stop and be creative for a few minutes each day. Real work seems to keep yanking on my attention, but after a month-long break I've picked up my Micron pens once again.

Dry As Toast. Oh poor little blog. Once I gave myself a chance to relax so I could focus on my health last year, I let the whole thing go. Now it seems to take such an effort to share my thoughts with you. Sometimes I feel like I've got nothing left to say…and sometimes what I want to say feels way too personal now. Is it growing older that's left me reluctant to bare my feelings for all to read? Would anyone still care? Or maybe I just feel tapped with Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram all vying for a piece of me.

Creativity. In this I'm lumping in Porcupine Hugs, calligraphy, photography, DIY projects, pen palling, and all the arts I enjoyed. They all fall under Things I Need Another 24 Hours To Do, But Spend The First 24 Hours Thinking About.

Every now and then I'll raise the following question to A.: What does success mean to you? Is it more important to be happy or to be ambitious? In that last question I'm not insinuating that the two qualities are mutually exclusive as I know you can be both happy and ambitious, but in my case ambition feeds this restlessness. If I'm not being productive or chasing some goal, I can't relax. I feel like I'm wasting time. It could be 6 in the freaking morning and as soon as I regain consciousness my mind is turning. "What should I do today? Should I get up? I'm still tired, but maybe I should be making better use of my time..." Oh what I wouldn't give to have a lazy Sunday without the guilt. I'm sure A. would be thankful, too, since my "Let's do something!" mentality tends to spill over onto his plate when he wants none of it. So I wonder, if I let go of all these goals on the list, things I keep thinking I need to accomplish in order to be Successful, and stop holding myself to a high standard, would I be happier? Or would the thought of settling into a calm mediocrity always leave me feeling unfulfilled?

In June, I attended a Creative Mornings session in which Squarespace founder and CEO Anthony Casalena gave a talk minimalism. In it, Casalena explained how to do lists can lock us into a path of short-term priorities making it hard to step back and focus on the true essence of the project. A point of his that really resonated with me is the idea of letting go of good ideas and his coming to the painful realization that he only has so much creative energy to devote to goals. How often don't we guilt-trip ourselves into chasing all these different leads, thinking we have to grab them all in order to feel good about ourselves? Well Casalena advised the audience to keep their key goal in mind and then use that to discard the things around it - good or bad. Letting go will feel liberating, he said.

"It feels very good in a way to close the chapter on something and it just frees your mind to do so many other things. I think too often people try to leave too many doors open at once in their life and they're just afraid of losing optionality," Casalena said.

So that's what I've been somewhat doing this summer. Instead of chasing down every creative whim, I'm accepting that right now my focus is on work and finances. I'm still writing for BET.com and helping a large law firm prepare its new website for launch next month, but on top of that I've taken on a new freelance writing gig with MamásLatinas.com. I've gone from struggling financially with a part-time job in 2013 to tackling three different jobs a day. It's a blessing; I'm finally getting a taste of financial security and love the flexibility in my schedule. It's also a curse because sometimes all I want to do is run off to an island for a breather. I don't think I've taken more than two or three consecutive days off all year (and even then WiFi availability = Dorkys working), but starting this weekend I'm taking a whole week to unplug in the Nevada desert and dive into that "feeling of liberation" in other ways.

Because I'm returning to Burning Man.

I admit that in the flurry of all the changes that's entered my life at the end of 2013 (new job, new apartment, moving in with the boyfriend, work, work, work, another new job), I'd forgotten just how amazing I felt out there on the playa. This year has been about putting my head down and crawling out of the hole that was 2013. Even if it's meant putting some things aside and even if I'm not on here sharing every detail of my life, I feel good knowing that I'm alive and doing just fine.

So tell me: what have you been up to this summer? Is there anything you'd love to let go of or are you hacking away at your key goal?

Image: David Stewart for the Lost and Found Show

How Hard Would You Try to Have a Child?

Because taking my breast cancer medication means I can't get pregnant for the next four years, I find myself thinking about children a lot. I wonder if I'll have a boy or a girl. I wonder what we'll end up naming them. Will I have one or try for two? Mostly I wonder if I'll have any issues trying to conceive at the age of 36.

When my oncologist said I could look into freezing my eggs to use after my treatment is complete, I knew that wasn't really an option for me. When you have student loans to pay off, medical bills stacking up, dreams and a savings account to fund, that leaves little money left for a gamble. It costs $10,000 to $15,000 to harvest and freeze a batch of eggs, $500 to keep storing them each year, and then another few thousand to undergo in vitro fertilization. Conception is not guaranteed. Adoption fees are also no small investment either so it brings up the question: how badly do I want a child?

It's a discussion that A. and I have had a few times. We both agree that we don't want to go broke in order to have a baby, but who knows how we'll feel years from now. If you ask any of the elders in my family, they'll say the same thing: your life isn't complete until you have a child. The mentality is frightening especially when you consider folks who've had kids when they could barely sustain their own lives or that welfare is their answer to my hesitance over the financial burden.

Whether it's money spent to conceive or money spent to raise a child, I don't want to go into debt for this, but I still dream of holding our child in my arms, teaching them all we know, and watching them grow and play in this world. Would I be okay if I discovered that I couldn't conceive? Probably. I'd be sad, but I also hope I could grow to accept that fact, consider alternatives that are within my means, and live on. A. keeps joking about the two of us becoming DINKs (dual income, no kids) to which I reply absolutely not. At least I'm not ready to throw in the towel before the races have even begun. We'll see how our story plays out down the line and hope that our toughest decision is simply agreeing on a baby name.

What about you? How hard would you try to have a child? Would you invest all you could into making your dream happen?

P.S. "Do you find you are not yet ready to obliterate any chance you have left to enjoy life to its fullest? Then try Not Having Kids!"

And have you met Theo and Beau? If not, here's their story (and how they're growing up so fast). Aren't they the cutest things ever?

Image: instagram.com