Is it bad that I'm happy jacket weather is here so I can go back to hiding under layers of clothes? Summer can be harsh with its tank tops and dresses and the heat forcing us to bare more than we'd like.I wonder for how long this is going to be a problem. I wonder why it doesn't just click. Last time I checked, I was a little smart and yet this I don't truly understand. I know it's unhealthy, I know the causes, the effects, the etc. And yet it takes such a hold on you that you've no clue how to stop starving and how to start eating.
The days I stay home are the worse. It's sad that I know they will be and don't try to fight it off. I just accept. Don't try to figure me out, I'm just telling it like it is. I sit around and I busy myself with something as the hours pass by. To me, dinner for one seems like a hassle and borderline depressing. Besides, I think, why go through all that trouble just for me? So I don't do it really.
When I took off work several weeks ago, I spent half the week with an incessant headache. Not enough food, not enough water, I know. I mean I write about this stuff! But there's a disconnect between knowledge and action. My brain says, "Dorkys you need to eat now." My soul replies, "Later." Until it's too late.
It took me a week to even like anything I ate. Til then, I just ate to get by.
Dressing room mirrors were surely created by the devil. I know my chest is too small, my arms are too thin and my hip and collar bones stick out. Now must I see this from six different angles? It's a jolt. It hurts. It tunnels your vision. All you see are those glaring faults. When someone else points them out, you feign confidence, plaster on a smile, make a joke, change the subject and fast. But inside, it cuts like a knife.
Some things just make no sense. Why do people smoke, do drugs, hurt themselves? Weakness, a need for control or self sabotage? Who knows. For now, I'm just glad I have something to hide behind.
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